So I was stuck yet again at another dessert party tonight. A new friend I met recently called and left a voicemail on my cell, claiming she had a boy to hook me up with, and "he's hot". She's closer to my age than most of the girls around here, so I figured it was worth checking out, simply based off of age. Of course, this was my first mistake. The guy wasn't bad looking, but after 5 minutes of ignoring me (and whispering in her ear the whole time), I grew bored and moved on to other options. It was obvious to me that whatever hooking up was going to happen tonight, I wasn't going to be involved. So, I awkwardly went and made small talk with the first guy who's head swiveled in my direction. "Hi, I'm told I need a husband, what's your name..."
After another few awkward moments of small talk with a random stranger, I abandoned my husband search and found myself in a smaller, more intimate gaggle of girls, discussing juice. Not juice- like apple juice- juice as in...juicy gossip. Only it's not always gossip, but that's besides the point, it's hard to explain...anyway, back to my story...My friend was having issues with an ex. Us listeners did our best to consol and sympathize...we all know how ex's can be...and I got to thinking...I am so thankful for friends that know and understand my "situation". It sounds funny, almost as if it's a handicap to be single, but for those of you out there who are single, I know you know what I'm talking about. I think sometimes in the LDS church it's hard because everyone is waiting and/or pressuring us to get married. Our parents are holding their breaths. Everyone we know is praying for us. Randoms that we don't even know well are trying to set us up with their hair-dressers, or their handsome nephew who's also painfully single. Cousins and idiots alike ask mercilessly why we're not married yet, as they give each other side glances and bounce their babies on their knees. Everyone (except in my case, my dear mother) has us convinced that something must be wrong with us because we haven't taken the plunge yet. Even dates have asked me, "are you divorced or something? Why are you so old and not married yet?" A friend asked me tonight as we were driving up the canyon, "Would you really tell me if something was wrong with me? Cause I don't understand why I'm not married..." None of us understand! He's fabulous, I don't understand why he's not married either. He wouldn't be my friend if he was weird! And yet, here we are, all of us, struggling to make it until the blessed day. Most of us are in a panic-ridden state, worried that somehow we've either missed the boat or worse, the boat will never come. Well, I'm here to tell you something tonight...You're not alone, and you're not handicapped because you're single.
The good news is, no one gets away from struggling. No one. Have you ever been to Liberty Jail? Then you know that Joseph Smith was locked in a freezing dungeon for like, 4 months or something, and couldn't even stand up straight. The ceiling was 6' high and he was 6'1 and Hyrum was 6'3. They got scraps and leftover food from the guards that was so bad that they said only a starving lunatic would eat it. I've even read somewhere once that once or twice the guards would feed them human flesh, slaves, that were killed. (I don't know if that's true, I just read it somewhere, but I wouldn't be surprised) There was no heat, it was winter, and the windows didn't have glass on them. The windows faced North and South, and the sun shines East and West, so obviously they never got real sunshine, or direct warmth from the sun...but the wind blows north and south...so the wind blew straight through their little death hole. No shower for 4 MONTHS!!!!! Joseph was with his friends and brother, in a dungeon, and that winter was the coldest winter ever...the only one ever recorded to have had the Mississippi River completely freeze over (which in turn was a blessing in disguise because then the saints could actually cross it). But with no heat...nothing but straw to sleep on...no shower...you know those boys struggled.
And they're not the only ones who struggled. The scriptures are filled with prophets who were stoned, or beaten, or jailed, or burned at the stake, or thrown into a firey furnace to be burned, etc etc. One of my favorite scriptures on faith and endurance comes in Hebrews, chapter 11, and in verses 35-38 the scriptures report that the prophets were, "...tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection; (36) And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonement: (37) They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword; they wandered about in sheepskins and goat skins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented (38)...they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth..."
Now obviously, our struggle is not half of their struggle. These people were tested in ways that most of us will never know. But that does not diminish our struggle; being single in a culture that pushes marriage and family to the brink of insanity. Let me remind you of something- which I'm sure you're aware of, but I sometimes forget...you are NOT inadequate just because you're not married. Don't let this struggle get the best of you!! There are millions of us out there, trying to cling together; trying to hold on with faith and courage in our hearts. My dear friend from the party tonight was heartbroken...her comment was something like... "Well, I guess I'll just keep sittin around, waiting for whatever..." Believe it or not, we're still being blessed! Heavenly Father is still aware of us, and still believing in us, and still trying to help us grow. He knows your struggle as well as He knows mine. It may not be the way we envisioned things when we were young, but how many blessings do you have now that you wouldn't have received if you were married??? Seriously, think about it for a second; how many wonderful things have happened in your life because you AREN'T married? I can give you an example from my life- but then I have to end this entry I swear or I'll have to start charging. I am so grateful that I have been single for the last 29 years, because for one thing- I have finished my education, and am gaining invaluable experience in a field that I love. Even though it has been hard, I know I would never have finished school if I'd had another option. I've had opportunities to travel and go places that I never would have had otherwise. My life has been full- full of opportunity and learning and growth. And I wouldn't take any of it back to have been married and pregnant at nineteen. (No offense to those that did decide to do that) The guy that I would've married at 21...I still cringe if I think about it. And I know soo many married couples that struggle- just because they've gotten married doesn't mean their lives are bliss you know. I think sometimes we forget that, when we're on this side of the fence. I know everyone out there reading this knows someone who got married, only to have their spouse cheat, and/or leave them in ruins. Now who wants to trade places...
So now it's your turn. Look at yourself in the mirror today and finish this sentence..."I am so grateful that I have been single for x this long because..." and mean it! Why are you thankful that you're single? What invaluable things have happened to you that couldn't've happened if you were holed up in a marriage somewhere???? Seriously, think about it, and count your many blessings today...
For those of you who made it to the end of this entry- much love. :)
G
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I recently had my home teachers come over last night and they gave this lesson that really has been sticking with me, I cant seem to think about anything else. I want to share it to all of you, i thought this entry was a really good opener for what i'm going to say. This is an article in the Ensign by President James E. Faust (whom is dearly missed). "Welcoming Every Single One"
My desire in this message is to offer opportunities for development and happiness for all members, whether married or single. To be in control of your life, to be a success regardless of your marital situation, I recommend that you come to know your Father in Heaven.
You can best do this by prayer, study, and keeping the commandments. Always remember that He loves you and will give you guidance and support if you will invite Him into your life. Include Him in your decision making. Include Him when you take inventory of your personal worth. Pray to Him when you are discouraged, because I testify that He does hear our cries for help. In his insightful discourse on prayer, the prophet Zenos observed, “And thou didst hear me because of mine afflictions and my sincerity” (Alma 33:11).
We are deeply moved and sobered as we hear a common thread running through the expressions of many of our single members. For some, loneliness and discouragement are their most constant companions. One great soul who has a good bishop, a good home teacher, a good position, and comfortable circumstances said, “I don’t need more to do; I just need someone to do it with.” This becomes a matter of great concern when we consider that at least one-third of adult Church members are single.
Without downplaying the ache of loneliness that some singles feel, President Gordon B. Hinckley offered something of an antidote when he advised: “I believe that for most of us the best medicine for loneliness is work and service in behalf of others. I do not minimize your problems, but I do not hesitate to say that there are many others whose problems are more serious than yours. Reach out to serve them, to help them, to encourage them. There are so many boys and girls who fail in school for want of a little personal attention and encouragement. There are so many elderly people who live in misery and loneliness and fear for whom a simple conversation would bring a measure of hope and brightness.”1
Please remember that we have all been single, are now single, or at some time may again be single; so being single in the Church is not extraordinary. Being married also carries challenges and responsibilities. Perhaps you have heard of the young bride who said, “When I get married, it will be the end of my troubles.” Her wise mother replied, “Yes, my dear, but which end?”
Measuring Our Progress
It does not help to become so obsessed with the desire to be married that we miss blessings and opportunities for development while we are single. I also believe it would be helpful to set goals; without goals you cannot measure your progress. But don’t become frustrated because there are no obvious victories. Some things cannot be measured. If you are striving for excellence—if you are trying your best day by day with the wisest use of your time and energy to reach realistic goals—you will be a success whether you are married or single.
Speaking of single members, President Harold B. Lee (1899–1973) once said, “In your ranks are some of the noblest members of the Church—faithful, valiant, striving to live the Lord’s commandments, to help build up the kingdom on earth, and to serve your fellowmen.”2 Too often we are thoughtless and insensitive to the feelings of these choice souls among us. One well-meaning priesthood leader, concerned about one of these choice single women whose heart was aching for companionship and a more fulfilling life, asked, “Why don’t you get a husband?” She replied in good humor, “Brother, I would love to, but I can’t go pick one off a tree.”
Although many single adult members are well-adjusted to life and its problems, they still need loving attention from the Church and its members to reaffirm their usefulness and the love that God has for each of them. The proper and rightful focus of the Church on the home and the family frequently causes some single members who have no companion or children to feel left out.
One writes: “Many members of the Church treat a divorcée as if she had leprosy. I have lived in a certain LDS ward in Salt Lake for several years, where they had a widows’ and widowers’ party every year at Christmastime. I was never invited. I have always lived a good life and believe the Savior would have invited me. I am acquainted with some who have experienced both death and divorce, and they say that divorce is worse than death.”
Still another writes: “Believe me, with the Church emphasis on families and children, we are already thoroughly aware that we are ‘oddballs.’ It has been a real pleasure to be accepted as a normal person.” No one should feel isolated because he or she is single. We want all to feel that they belong to the Church in the context of Paul’s message to the Ephesians: “Ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God” (Ephesians 2:19). We belong not only to the Lord’s Church but also to each other.
All society, including single adult members, has a vested interest in fathers and mothers and families. A few years ago, President Boyd K. Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said to the single members of the Church: “We talk a lot about families. Sometimes in bitterness, you will want to say ‘all this talk about families, but I don’t have a family, and …’ stop there! Don’t add that extra phrase. ‘I wish they would stop talking so much about families.’ You pray that we do keep talking about families; about fathers and mothers and children and family home evening, temple marriage and companionship and all of the rest, because all of that will be yours. If we stop talking about it, then you, among all others, will be the losers.”3 I echo that sentiment. By and by, all of that will indeed be yours.
Seeking Those in Need
We all recall the parable of the good shepherd who left the multitude and went out in search of a single sheep who was lost (see Luke 15:3–6). Some of our members who are single may become lost unless we reach out to them. Seeking out the one who needs our help involves reaching out in many ways.
What can we do as individuals to reach out to singles? One way is to make an effort to be more inclusive. When we see someone sitting by him or herself in a Church meeting, we can either go and sit with him or her or invite him or her to sit with us. We can all offer the hand of friendship. Indeed, it would be well for us to remember the advice of President Hinckley concerning converts and apply it to those who are alone: they need a friend, a calling, and nourishment by the good word of God. I think we could add one more to this list—a good home teacher. Diligent home teachers will gear home teaching messages to the needs of single members. They can also provide friendship, encouragement, a feeling of acceptance, and, particularly for single sisters, the opportunity for priesthood blessings.
It is easy to label someone as single and then not be able to look past the label. Singles are people and would like to be treated as such. Not all are single by choice. Let us, as the Psalmist said, “be a father of the fatherless” and remember that “God setteth the solitary in families” (Psalm 68:5–6). We all belong to the family of God and someday will return to Him, to the mansions He has prepared for all His children.
How Leaders Can Help
Here are some guidelines for Church leaders: “The bishopric [or branch presidency] may organize one or more home evening groups for single members who do not have children in the home and do not live with their parents.”4 In addition, “single members should be offered stake and ward activities such as firesides, dances, choirs, priesthood preparation seminars, temple preparation seminars, temple visits, cultural events, and sports.”5
Church leaders should ponder the needs of single members regularly in leadership meetings and include them in meaningful callings, assignments, and activities. Quorum and Relief Society leaders should be sensitive to the needs of single members, particularly when lessons include topics such as marriage and children. Single members need to be remembered and nourished.
Being Happy Now
Being single does not mean you have to put off being happy. As President Harold B. Lee (1899–1973) once said: “Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you, but on what happens inside of you. It is measured by the spirit with which you meet the problems of life.”6
I remind you that many who are single bring much-needed strength to family members and others, providing support, acceptance, and love to nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters, and extended family members. Thus, in a sense, singles can do much parenting in their own right. As they do so, they can have a great impact because so often they can say things parents cannot say to their own children.
Lastly, my advice to those of you who are single is to pray often because our Heavenly Father, who knows you best of all, knows your talents and strengths as well as your weaknesses. He has placed you here on the earth at this time to develop and refine these characteristics. I promise you He will help you. He is aware of your needs, and by and by those promised blessings of companionship will come to you.
Ideas for Home Teachers
After prayerfully studying this message, share it using a method that encourages the participation of those you teach. Following are some examples:
1. Discuss President Faust’s admonition to seek out those in need. Challenge the family to visit with a single member or nonmember. Have the family suggest other ways they could help that person feel more welcomed and valued. Encourage them to spend time getting to know him or her better.
2. Start the lesson with a discussion or game. During the activity, ask an individual to leave the room for a few minutes. Call the person back before sending out another. After everyone has been out of the room, discuss how it felt to be alone. Explain that “we have all been single, are now single, or at some time may again be single.” Discuss how each of us can make our lives happy and meaningful regardless of our circumstances.
3. Bring a ruler or measuring tape. Show it as you share counsel from the section “Measuring Our Progress.” Discuss how we should be measuring our lives. Testify that if we strive for excellence, we can be successful.
HOLY $#!%!!!
You're only 29 and people are trying to make you feel like this? Do you ever thow back in their face your accomplishments? Give them the finger and tell them to look at how fabulous your life is NOW, compared to what it was 10 years ago?
All I know is, since I hit 30, my body is better than ever, I'm cuter than I was at 20, I dress better, I've experienced more than most people TWICE my age and traveled the world several times, and I've accomplished things that would have been impossible had I children, a husband, or even a serious boyfriend!
All I know is, when I finally DO find someone and have a family, they are going to be so f*ing lucky to have a wife and mother that has really LIVED! Who's created a life they can admire and look up to. Everyone else can go bake bread and knit toaster cozies. I'm living an adventure.
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