Thursday morning I found myself in pajamas, sitting on the curb at 2 a.m. with a tear-streaked face, leaving a rambling message on an old boyfriend’s answering machine. How pathetic right? Let me explain. (Although the explanation won’t make it any less pathetic.)
Let’s rewind to earlier that night. One of my best friends called to tell me that she was getting married- it was exciting talking girlie talk (rings, asking dad for permission, wedding dates etc.) I could not be happier for her!! Much later that night, when fluffy white sheep were supposed to be bounding over my pillow, my mind was buzzing and the sheep were MIA. I am always really happy when my close friends get married but I also get a little sad because I know that my relationship with them will never be the same. That isn’t new or surprising. But then a relatively new feeling entered my heart, consumed my brain and started the water works. This new feeling: loneliness. I am now the last of my high school (and most of my college) friends to be married. Finding a helpmate and holding babies is something that I’ve seen them all experience, and now I want it too. I let this loneliness consume me and I’m still not really sure how I ended up on the curb dialing my last heartbreak. Down right pathetic!
I hope that people who know me are a little surprised by this behavior. (guerrilla won't be, she's seen the worst) I’m generally a fun-loving, independent person who thoroughly enjoys all the perks of being single. I wouldn’t classify myself as bitter or desperate. But as strong as I think I am, I still experience Thursday mornings with tears and without sheep.
I don’t tell you this for your sympathy, I tell you this because I know that I am not alone in my loneliness. So maybe I can help one of you. Maybe you’ll remember this blog in your moment of loneliness (instead of making a phone call at 2am that you will assuredly regret later.)
However, what I call loneliness is more acutely diagnosed as fear.
Fear. I’m afraid that God’s plan for me does not resemble the plan that I have for myself. This is a reoccurring fear for me- although it often takes different shapes. Right now my “this isn’t my plan” fear focuses on marriage, i.e. instead of the fun, hunky helpmate I’ll get the boring, homely, short or socially awkward one. The “this isn’t my plan” fear can be applied with jobs, where you live, your health etc. You’re chuckling- you know it too!
Fear is the opposite of faith. The Children of Israel let the “this isn’t my plan” fear keep them from the Promised Land for 40years. “This isn’t my plan” faithlessness even caused the prophet Lehi to complain in their wilderness adventure. We are so not alone in our fears! The Lord knew that we would feel this way and he has given us the tools to overcome it.
On the brink of apostasy, Paul wrote to Timothy to reassure him and the persecuted saints by saying, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.” (2Timothy 1:7) Like Timothy, this advice has become my remedy for fear, loneliness and “this isn’t my plan” worries.
This is also where this blog gets interactive: How do power, love and a sound mind help you overcome your fear? Why those 3 things? I have some ideas that I will share in my next few blogs, but I want to hear your ideas! Please post comments or email us at trenchsurvial@gmail.com
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I would say that I am sad for you... but you didn't want sympathy. I must admit that I have never had to resort to calling an ex in order to fill a void left by missing sheep. However, I have had the fear of not having the same plans as God does for me. I think sometimes that maybe my selfish and imperfect desires have postponed a plan that I should be currently living. Maybe I have already passed on the... dare I say "sweet-spirited" companion that God had planned for me because I wanted a fun, smokin' hot redhead. (so I'm shallow, at least I'm honest)
I used to take the "little Bo Peep" approach to finding the missing sheep by doing nothing. But the fear kept on coming. All of my friends and even all of my little sisters are now married with multiple children and where was I? Still wandering around singles wards avoiding stalkers and looking for anyone I could label as "sane".
To me... the power, love and sound mind can mean several things.
Power to me is agency and initiative. I can decide to keep the commandments and put my faith in God. I decide to have the Spirit with me to be a comfort in the face of fear.
Love is knowing that God has plans that are best for me. He must know that redheads will drive me crazy.
And sound mind I feel is that God has given me the ability to think through situations and make intelligent choices, and also to learn from mistakes.
All of these have helped me to overcome the "this isn't my plan" fear. I still have to deal with psychos and sometimes feel lonely and left behind in our Mormon culture of marriage, but at least sheep are jumping fences at night.
The thing that keeps me going at age 26 is that if I am doing what I need to be doing in my life to follow the teachings of Christ, then it doesn't matter and it will happen when it is supposed to. Lately, though, I have worried that because I have this view, that I have missed opportunities because I wasn't pro-active enough. To laid back and casual about relationships to do anything. I have been thinking lately that maybe marriage won't happen and if I would be ok with that. Power, love and a sound mind are the things that keep us going when it gets tough. I think one reason those things are mentioned in the scriptures so often is that we need to hear it often. Maybe we don't need to be reminded as much as we need help remembering those things. It is very easy to get discouraged (especially when you seem to be the only single Mormon your age in Birmingham, AL) but when you come across passages like that, they help you keep your head up when it gets rough.
And maybe this blog will help too :) You guys are off to a great start! Keep it up!
I am too in the same boat as you and I'm sure lots of other LDS singles. I am almost 26 myself and I always thought that I would be married and maybe with one child. I also was told by the fab 4 I would be #2 to get hitched, instead i'm the very last :) Isnt it weird, strange or even mind boggling how we picture our life to be but it may not be the plan that H.F. has for us, so it works out much differently. I have been in and out of pointless relationships now for the past 4 years and its like once I made the solid decision to put my faith in the Lord first and actualy have the mind set on trying to find "the one" nothing good/bad happens, its like i'm at a stan still.
I have been so worried of being lonely, not being able to share my life with my "EC" and not being able to raise my little angels that are waiting up in heaven for me, that its been really affecting my attitude and behavior. I have been focusing (worried is more like it) my time and energy into finding who the next guy is going to be that I have forgot what makes me happy. About a month ago I was talking to my very good friend about my worries and not getting married and she said to me, "Ash what does your patriarch article blessing say? H.F. Does not lie to his children." I went straight up to my room and pulled my blessing out and read it several times and I kid you not that from that day forward I told myself that I have faith and will continue to live my life according to the gospel and whatever happens shall happen. There is no other person besides H.F. who knows our needs, wants and desires and he does everything he can to make us happy but we have to work really hard for what we want. In my case Eternal Happiness. I have been the happiest I have ever been, its been a tought road and lots of hard work but is paying off. One scripture that helps me get through anything is 2 Nephi 31:20 "Wherefore, ye must press forward with a asteadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and dendure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."
Post a Comment