My life; My struggle

Guerilla's Confession: I'm strugglin. On all levels, I'm a-strugglin today.

I've been staring at this white page all day, and about to rip my hair out. The truth is, I had a blog written. It was good. But I was too scared to post it, because it was real, and it was deep. I don't know if I'm ready for the world to see my vulnerabilities...even if I am hiding behind a pseudonym. And, it's only my second post. I don't know if you, my little audience, are ready for the intensity of the Guerilla. I don't want to scare off the masses!! Ha ha- the three of us that write and read our own posts. I don't want to scare off my writing buddies just yet, even if we are the only ones that read our own posts... :)

So I chickened out and decided to write a little more light hearted (and cynical, even though I said no cynicism on the blog) and hope that one day I'll have the guts to post something profound. In the meantime- let's talk about...BBQ's and Dessert parties. We here in Salt Lake have tons of them, usually 3 or so in any given night, guaranteed at least two dessert parties on any given Sunday. They're all over the Valley, and usually it's free food and good eye candy, so why do I have so much anxiety over these events?? I'll tell you. Three solid reasons:

1)It's the same folks every time. I went to a little dessert party last night with my good friend "E", and we walked in and I knew over half the peeps. If I didn't know them, she did. If there was a random that neither of us happened to know, chances were he was new to town and another group of gigglers already had him surrounded. I live in a city with over a million people! Why do I keep running into the same singles??? And why do we all sit around and act like we haven't met before?

2)People are always so awkward at these things. I know I definitely don't help the situation. Once I was at a BBQ and the conversation was getting awkward, so I tried to help by asking, "so what do you like in a girl?" (which I've been told is the golden question), and the guy went nuts. He was like, "Are you kidding me right now? Are you serious? That's it- I'm out of here. This is a joke." I was so embarrassed. He stomped off and we haven't been the same since. His friend tried to cover for him, saying "he's just a little uspet right now", but I didn't know what to do, except turn to the next person and just act like nothing had just happened. I'm still not sure what was so offensive in that question. Just trying to make conversation! But situations like that make me paranoid to ask anything other than, "so what do you do?", which we all know and love.

3)Then there is the whole, "I met you on linkup" fiasco. This is the worst/best!! You see someone across the room that you've chatted with online but never met in real life...what do you do? What the heck do you do???? Do you pretend you don't know them? Do you make eye contact even? I swear it's a never ending battle for normalcy that we just can't seem to win. This situation will enable the "duck, avoid, and bolt" faster than any other situation I can think of, except for spotting an ex. It's a nightmare- staring inadvertently across the room for half an hour, wondering if the two of you are going to talk in real life or not. Then you get to decide if you're going to go home and admit online that you saw them in person and didn't say anything. Or, better yet, what if you decide 10 minutes after staring that you really don't want to meet this person?? And then of course they catch your eye for a second and beeline straight for you...

I feel like in order to be fair, I should give at least one reason why I keep going; why I keep getting dressed up and "making an appearance" with my roomies. It's because even though I'm awkward, I want to meet new people. We all want to meet someone new, don't we? 'Cause we're still single, and we're still hopin a little (AND, every once in awhile, I'll run into an old friend and we can catch up). We all force ourselves out there (painfully sometimes), hoping to find that "EC" everyone keeps talking about. Well- til we find em, good luck to you and yours, and let the dessert parties continue!

G